I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
