i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
