dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
