when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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