I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
