I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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