Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
