I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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