Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
