WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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