My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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