Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
