I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
