I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
