I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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