where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
