I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
