i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Couch. On fire.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
