FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
