i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
