I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
