drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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