she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Can I color on your dick again?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
