I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
