I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
