Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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