Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Your cock deserves a montage
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
