I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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