I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
In America we eat man semen.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Randomize
