What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
