there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
