I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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