There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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