thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
