I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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