420 ftw
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
