No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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