Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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