im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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