3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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