but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
