In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
