tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
