You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
