Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
