Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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