I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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