I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
