Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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