My cat gives me a boner
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
